Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Thinking...

I haven't had the desire to develop these last 3 rolls of film that I shot last week. Perhaps this really is it to the "Not Wonderland" series......thoughts include, "am I stopping too soon?" "did I fail at digging deeper?" However, I started to feel my ideas were getting sillier as time went on and every time I look at the work, I don't really know what else I could say about it. Then I suppose I've made the right decision to end it now.

Today, I applied for a grant sponsored by the Women in Photography based here in NY, funded by LTI / Lightside Photographic Service. The main award is $3000 and is to fund one woman photographers' project. Another award is $1000 in Kodak materials. Naturally, the first award is the more favorable of the two. I get sick to my stomach and become so negative every time I apply for one of these. Up until now, my negativity was reinforced by the rejections. The only grant I was ever awarded was a $600 one that was not based on merit but by need. This one, as have the others been, is based on strength of project. I applied to help support the new "Angels" series. Image transfers on aluminum will be an expense and after looking at the images, I felt the queasiness start.

Then I convince myself that if I don't get it, it's not a big deal. Lots of women photographers are applying, it only cost $20 to submit, and there are always other opportunities.....still, the ugly voices are inside my head and it's tough to get them out. Notifications are not until September 1 so there is no use getting stressed for 2 months.

Perhaps it's time to just sit back and relax.....
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