Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Personal thoughts of my life

I thought that maybe I would take this platform to just write, and not just about art but about me, my life and thoughts.

Lots of changes in me are happening as I get older. I have finally begun to accept me in all forms, not just the physical one. However, thoughts have been slowly creeping into my mind as to how I could finally grow my hair color out and become the natural gray and God-knows-what that is underneath this long red mane. Not sure how to go about it though and I refuse to cut my hair short. It's something I will have to address to a color expert, I think.

I notice I am also becoming even more in touch with nature. I am spending time not just walking in the parks but really taking notice of all around me - the birds, insects, butterflies, rabbits (we have lots of wild ones in the local park here in Massy) and even the changes of the trees, the grasses, the light.

But maybe it's not that I am becoming more in touch, but coming back to it. It reminds me of my youth. When I was between 5-10 years old, even older, I spent most of my time alone. I didn't have any friends except maybe a couple of neighborhood kids that I would see once in a while but I preferred to be alone most of the time. And when I did, I would sit on the grass in my yard and play with and examine the leaves, go into the swimming pool and gaze up at the sky feeling the water, crawling under the bushes and sitting under them peeking out and just feeling all of the natural elements. One thing, though, that occupied me more than ever was when I would take a hammer and break open rocks to discover what was inside - the quartz and crystalline prettiness. It was a time where my curiosity was at my highest.

Sadly, as a teenager, all that changed because my focus turned to serious stuff - dealing with hardships in my family,  not-dealing-very-well-with, the bullying/physical abuse from the kids, the more-than-painful crushes I had on boys, failed and false friendships and the countless hours and days of feeling lonely and alienated. All of these things preoccupied my life- why wasn't I loved? why did the kids hurt me so much? And with my family, it was worse - my father had schizophrenia and no one in the family knew how to deal with that except for his psychiatric visits, constant medication changes and a time in an institution. And by extension, I got caught in the crossroads and experienced a toxic environment. The years of my adolescence and young adulthood took a toll and I became blind to who I was becoming. I became someone I didn't like but ignored her, if that is possible. There were moments of me there - my decision to go into higher education - to get my Bachelor's degree in art, for one, but the rest of the time, I was desperately searching for something to fill the hole of unhappiness.  And this search continued on for years in many forms - mainly failed/bad relationships with men but also alienating myself from more people. I did many things that I regretted for a long time but now I am ok with. Everything in those years that happened, formed me. They gave me strength and appreciation to go on and figure out where I was going, who I was going to be and to find out what would make me happy.

So, now I am here at 47 years old and I am just now discovering what is making me happy and what I want in my life. I also now have control, in some way, of what I allow into my life. I can choose to leave out most of the negative things. So, what has made me happy? Coming back full circle - nature and connecting to it. Being able to share thoughts and interesting, in-depth conversations with someone that understands me (my husband gets kudos for that) and being happy hanging out with myself. Am I anti-social? Well, I won't completely go that far. I do enjoy meeting people and am outgoing.  I have a few close friends whom I cherish. However,  I suppose it's honest for me to say that it is not always necessary for me but when it is, I reach out. It is difficult at the moment though, living in a new country. I have begun meeting people but haven't formed solid friendships with anyone. It's not really the language barrier but just finding people with common ground.

To end this post today, I want to write that I believe I have one goal, at least, in mind and that is to completely regain my level of curiosity in nature, in things I am really interested in, if that is possible. I want to thank the universe for showing me the signs.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016


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