Monday, November 7, 2016

fumbling around again

November 7, 2016.

 It's cold and rainy with leaves still falling, but not completely fallen. Feels like me. I am struggling with so many things at the moment - a serious financial crisis, past demons haunting me in my thoughts and dreams and an overall depressive state of mind. My husband is wonderful and is always there to support me with his words, his actions, and his love but when I feel stuck, it's hard to get unstuck.

However, if I am indeed stuck, I am doing it standing. I am not in bed with the blankets over my head. So falling, but not fallen.

I spend so much of my mental energy figuring out what else I can do to make money in order to survive that there is very little space in there to devote to my art. But somehow, there is a little. I spent the last year and change, working on some images that I now feel is not really me. I did get excited to try different things but in the end, I am not sure what any of it said. I went back to look at all of my old work and moreso my 2 series of work "Rabbitholes and Revelations" and "Not Wonderland" and said "ok maybe not every image here is strong but I had a purpose in creating them. I thought maybe a new starting point would be to revisit the journey and ideas from that time but with a different process, a different outcome. Maybe the process I have used for "The Divine Journey" and maybe with a more monochromatic and soft feel like the previous works.

It's a thought anyway and I am grateful for being able to still come up with ideas. Will see where this goes and in while all the other difficult stuff that I am dealing with is a constant, this is a positive one and so is the love I receive and give. I want to always be able to do give and not just receive.

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