Sunday, January 1, 2017

my mother

I didn't really have a moment to create a post as I usually do right at the end of each year with my reflections of the year past, however, I suppose I summed it up pretty much in the last post mother passed away the 16 of December. She was 80 years old.

Was it a shock? A bit but because she was 80 and had several health issues over the years, I am not too shocked. As I write this though, it's from France - a distance from it and I haven't quite processed it all...I am sure that when my husband and I reach New York next week the reality will hit me quick. I am not sure what I will feel and experience though until I am there going through the house I grew up in and handling everything of hers/ours.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She was an angry and bitter woman which increased as she got older. There is so much I can write about her in that sense but I will just say that I spent time in therapy trying to deal with how she was and what she did/didn't do to or for me and over time and distance, I have done what I could to forgive her but even in recent years, it was difficult up until the last 6 months prior to moving here to France.

What I wish to remember though are the times she took care of me when I was sick, how she called me "mommy" as her term of affection (like "sweetie") and how it was because of her that I have a love of R&B music. There were wavering times when she was proud of me for my accomplishments though she regarded getting married on the same level as graduating from a university with high honors or having an article published on my art. I suppose that was a generation thing.

I won't write much more about it now as I am sure there will be much to post, if I am able, once I am back from the week there. I will sit here now and reflect on realizing that both of my parents are now gone. The parents that I didn't choose nor had a good relationship with for different reasons but who were the only ones I had. And with that, I can say that I did have love for them and I hope there is a peace wherever they are and I hope that I and my sisters find peace within ourselves as well.....

May 2017 bring us that time to reflect, heal and find inner peace and self-love.