Saturday, April 15, 2017


I've noticed I haven't had many posts so far this year and I have 2 thoughts for that - I haven't had a thought I felt worth posting and/or I have been in a bad place in many ways.

The latter is one that I don't even know how to describe. However one of the reasons for where I am in that over the course of the last year, the news of death - I mean death of ones that I knew personally or even just enough to be familiar with has become a weekly and sometimes daily thing. My mother died and now both of my parents are gone. It's surreal to think that I am old enough for that to happen..

I have a great fear of dying. Many people I know tell me that it's useless to worry or fear it because we don't know when it will happen to us and all we can do is live. So why not live for today and not worry about tomorrow? All true words and it is what I do but then I hear of someone dying and there it is in my mind again - oh my god, I am going to die and I can not change that. It's inevitable. And if I am not careful, those thoughts will lead me to have a panic attack.

And then there is the thought that there will be nothing left of me once I am gone. As my husband and a couple of friends that I have are the closest people to me, there will be no legacy to leave with anyone. I never had children.

Will my art become part of MoMA, the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Louvre or Musee D'Orsay? Doubtful so what will there be? Will there be a history of me? Does it matter?

“Like a wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we were, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment.”- Harlan Ellison

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